By Maren
June 6, 2024
My dad has a whole list of dad jokes. One of his running favorites is: Commas save lives. Do you want to eat Grandma? Or, do you want to eat, Grandma? I wish you could have seen the look on his face when I presented him with a t-shirt with a version of the joke printed on it that I found at the Vancouver (Canada) Aquarium. I think it was the first gift I ever gave him that I knew he liked based on his nonverbal body language. I’m in my 40’s and that gift was 2 years ago.
To my good fortune, my dad taught me how to laugh generally and how to laugh at myself. Being able to laugh some of my stress off has made a world of difference for me. One example of how he has modeled this happened when I was feeling a bit self-conscious about using my ESD (Emotional Support Drink) as a coping skill. He reframed whatever I said to him into my ESD being a “dietary supplement”. I liked that better for many reasons including the way we think about things really impacts the way we feel about both the thing or circumstance as well as ourselves. Before his clever reframe, I had some shame about my ESD; his reframe removed that shame for me (more about this later). Lots of dads are great at laughing and not taking life too seriously. I’m guessing many moms in the world have been less than amused at the things dads find amusing. I, myself (a mom), find this to be funny all by itself. It turns out those dads who are good at not taking life too seriously are on to something pretty important. Humor is an important life skill and coping strategy.
There is a whole lot of good, scientific data showing the importance of what is known in the scientific literature as benign humor, or humor that doesn’t cause harm in relation to our emotional well-being. Humor that does cause harm is referred to as aggressive or self-defeating humor (Ruch & Heintz, 2013). Aggressive humor is when others are the target of our joke and don’t find it funny; self-defeating humor is when we use our own insecurities as the target of jokes in a way that we don’t really think is funny. I really work to live by the wisdom, “If you have to say ‘just kidding’, it’s not funny”. There can be a fine line between benign and self-defeating humor. Some thoughtful and honest self-reflection is the only way to know the difference between benign and self-defeating humor.
One of the most interesting findings I came across in the scientific literature within the context of humor is a decrease in symptoms of anxiety and depression with benign humor and an increase in symptoms of anxiety and depression with aggressive and/or self-defeating humor. Additionally, aggressive humor is correlated with a lack of emotional stability (Ruch & Heintz, 2013). Emotional stability refers to one’s ability to regulate their emotions, or to be in charge of their emotions instead of allowing their emotions to be in charge of them. Emotional stability absolutely does not mean that we don’t experience emotions. Everyone experiences a range of emotions; although, there are some in the world who have been so injured by emotional experiences that they have found a way to turn their attunement to their emotions either down or completely off, in one way or another. This is not the same thing as emotional instability.
Something that surprised me, a little, that I found in the literature was that while there is a strong correlation between humor and well-being, the jury is out about the correlation between laughter and well-being. This suggests that the real power in humor as a coping strategy is not in laughing about our stress but in how we think about both our stress and how we think about the world around us generally. Our well-being is improved when we really work at thinking about things a bit light-hearted. Here’s an example, just be warned it’s a bit morbid (and funny). 10 years ago, my younger brother died very unexpectedly at the age of 34. We held his funeral at a park in a canyon. The funeral director told us that it would have to be a closed casket. My older brother wondered aloud if it was to keep the buzzards from circling. Having a humorous visual took the edge off of the sadness I was feeling.
As promised, here is more about how humor can impact the way we think about things. While we often aren’t aware of this until we work to become aware of it, our feelings are always preceded by our thoughts which are always preceded by some kind of event. This is almost always a very quick and subconscious process. Subconscious simply means we are unaware of the thought processes. The best part about this reality is it means we have the ability to shift or change our feelings by simply changing our thoughts. The catch is, the thought we replace unhelpful thoughts with, has to be believable. Our brains are smart enough to catch on to us trying to pull a fast one and tell it something much happier and less true. If I’m feeling hopeless and sad about my ability to repair a strained relationship with a loved one, it is important to first acknowledge my emotions and then examine where they came from. In this example, let’s imagine I tried to repair a relationship with my sister, and she was not receptive because she was still very hurt by my actions. My thoughts might be “My sister will never forgive me. I’ve really screwed this up and lost my best friend.” The event (for me) is my sister telling me she wasn’t ready to talk to me. I can use what is called cognitive reframing by changing my thoughts from “My sister will never forgive me. I’ve really screwed this up and lost my best friend.” to “My sister is still hurt by my actions and needs time before she is ready to talk about this.” Based on this, I am still likely to feel sad and likely hopeful instead of hopeless. The consequences of feeling hopeless and hopeful are generally very different. This strategy comes from CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a therapeutic modality that has been heavily researched.
Of course, the example provided in the previous paragraph is a time when it’s probably a little too soon for humor. There are plenty of times when benign humor is just what is needed to lighten the mood and help whoever is within earshot shift their current thoughts from heavy to light, which also shifts emotions from heavy to light, or at least to less heavy such as in the example about my brother’s funeral.
While I wish this was all as simple as saying if you feel anxious or depressed, the magic wand we’ve all been looking for is humor, unfortunately, it isn’t that simple. Humor isn’t going to make those symptoms go away. What it can do is make those symptoms feel more manageable or distract us from the symptoms of anxiety and depression that can, at times, feel overwhelming. Sometimes, a distraction is all we need to reset our brains to a place where we can improve our ability to function.
Here are some strategies for using humor as a coping strategy/skill:
- Talk to the person/people who makes you laugh
- Watch funny video clips, tv shows, or movies, especially when you are experiencing high levels of stress
- Read something funny such as a comic strip or silly poetry
- Find ways to laugh at whatever the circumstances are that are causing you stress; ask for help with this if you need it
- Look for funny memes
- Think back to a time when you had a good belly laugh
Of course we need to be sensitive and thoughtful to circumstances around us, and, of course, there is a time and a place to have a good laugh. Knowing when to and when not to laugh is part art, part skill, and part awareness of the mood of the situation and people in it. Another component to this is dark humor. Those who know about and appreciate dark humor know about dark humor. Those who don’t understand it are often disturbed by it. It’s critical that we are aware of our audience before using dark humor. If you have ever wondered how first responders can see and experience what they do and continue doing their jobs, one of the primary strategies they use is dark humor. They joke about things that are only funny with people who get dark humor and within specific contexts.
Something that is important to keep in mind when we think about the way humor and well-being shows up in the literature is that there could be other factors at play either in addition to or besides the humor. People who utilize benign humor are likely to think more nonjudgementally about themselves and others. They are also more likely to view the world with optimism than pessimism. Thinking about the world with optimism isn’t just about a glass half-full lens. It’s about considering alternate explanations for difficult circumstances or believing that things are going to work out and be okay even if they don’t how that is going to happen.
A final note about humor is that humor is where ESD (Emotional Support Drink) was born. I thought it was a silly play on ESD: Emotional Support Dog and my people agreed. Whichever ESD helps you feel better, embrace it and find something to laugh about.
References:
Ruch, W. & Heinz, S. (2021). Humor styles, personality, and psychological well-being: What’s humor got to do with it? European Journal of Humour Research. 1(4) 1-24. http://dx.doi.org/10.7592/EJHR2013.1.4.ruch